Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
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He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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