oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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