A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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