im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
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i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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