I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
