how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just cropdusted the office
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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