Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
