mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
do herpes really smell.
Dating After Heartbreak
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just pee around me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.