I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.