you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
