Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
