Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
