I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
