i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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