i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
