I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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