It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
