I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
