Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
