Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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