ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
