I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
