So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
