I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
