please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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