Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
