is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
