you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
