If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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