Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
