i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
