i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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