I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
