Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
