whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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