I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
