you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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