Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
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Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize