coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
