New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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