He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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