4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
