I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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