I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
