Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Vodka?
Forever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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