Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
