Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am naked and annoyed.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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