I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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