so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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