You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You don't make any sense
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