don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
