just tell him i said nine months
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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