it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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