Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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