i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
