So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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