you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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