I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
