My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
