Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
