3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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