I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
